Understanding, acceptance and compassion

Tonight's blog is not about me... it is not about my fibro...

Tonight's blog is for my beautiful sister, Zabrina. Zabrina suffers from bipolar disorder. I have watched Zabrina live in my shadow our entire lives. I obviously didn't put her there, but I sometimes wonder if I've done enough to take her out of it.

Zabrina's largest strength and biggest weakness is her heart. Her whole life she lived to please everyone. She cleaned black boards and stayed after school to help, to be noticed... and instead they said... why aren't your marks as good as your sister's? She would snuggle and love her way through life and always be asked... why aren't you as good, as clean, as smart as your sister?

Her need to please left her open to people who took advantage of that kindness. She was bullied incessantly during elementary school and things didn't get much better for her as she aged.

We lived with parents who were both abused as children and who were both addicts of one kind or another, whether it was alcohol or something else. They did break the cycle of abuse as they knew it. They loved us, the best they knew how. I remember all sorts of wonderful things that they did with us and for us... but Zabrina only remembers the bad stuff. All the love in the world just couldn't help Zabrina be okay with the world and with herself.

And then, instead of supporting her, instead of loving her unconditionally, when she was diagnosed with bipolar I judged her. I wasn't the only one... but my support could have been the difference to her. I read a little bit about bipolar and figured I knew everything. I knew what medications she should... or should not... be taking. I figured I knew what kind of counselling she needed, what kind of cognitive behavioural therapy she should do... I knew it all. And know what? I may have been wrong.

So you may be wondering why the change of heart? As you all know by now... I am dealing with my own issues with fibromyalgia. And everyday I have people tell me what medications to take, what kind of therapy to get... exercise, rest, do this, do that. And I have had people tell me it is all in my mind, that if I didn't want to feel so bad I wouldn't. And this never ceases to annoy me. I am under medical care... we are working on what we feel is best for me and I really don't care what anyone else thinks. I am going to do what feels right for me and my doctor. And if all fails and this doesn't work then maybe I'll take some of the other advise.

But this weekend I heard all this stuff come from someone else's mouth about my sister and her bipolar. Someone who is supposed to be supportive above all else... who is supposed to love unconditionally. And this person wasn't even talking to Zabrina... this person was talking to her son!! He is only 13!! He should not have to carry this responsibility. BUT it did make me open MY eyes.

I do not want people to judge me, to be unsupportive of me so how DARE I do this to her!? Zabrina is fighting the good fight. I worry about her every day. If I can say anything in my defense it is that I just love her so damn much that I can't stand to see her hurt for one second... for her life to not be perfect in every aspect. But I have opened my eyes... I am going to learn as much as I can about this horrible disorder and do everything I can to help her.

I am going to give her all the understanding, acceptance and compassion that I can. I am going to make sure she knows that there is someone in her corner that is going to help her fight... but most importantly... I'm going to love HER with all the love that she has put out in this world.

My beautiful sister, you are amazing. You are kind, you are caring, you are loving. You have talents I can never hope to have and you are so important to me. Never doubt it!!