I was reading over some old blogs and it is funny how you grow, how your opinions change and how with that your pain treatment and management changes.
2013 was not a very good year for me. Between illness, increased work stress and developing Chronic Fatigue it was a complete write-off. Pains were higher than ever, sleep was lower than ever and I felt that my life (well at least the health part of it) just generally sucked.
In light of this, I have made some changes.
Unfortunately, we still haven't figured out what is causing the chest palpitations. I'm not sure if they are getting better or if I'm getting used to them but they still exist, they still cause me issues. The cardiologist did all the tests he could think of and couldn't find the cause... without a cause you can't have a treatment. So I'm trying to learn to live with it. They are worse at night... when I should be preparing for sleep they get pretty ramped up but seem to calm down within an hour. I watch my caffeine intake and try to get as much rest as I can. I haven't quit looking into it but there is just nothing to be done for it right now.
In an earlier post, I mentioned how the medications most commonly used for treating fibro are so bad for you. Well I lied. The end of 2013 beginning of 2014 found me desperate for some relief. We started Cymbalta which I did not take to well at all!! There were such serious side effects within the first week that I didn't progress with it after that! I am now on Lyrica which I am finding is helping. My codeine usage is down considerably, my pain levels have gone from 9 & 10s to 5 & 6s so I'll take it. Still taking the Effexor to help with the emotional side of things. I do have high hopes that I will live without these drugs someday... but not today. Today I need all the weapons in my arsenal to feel better... and that's okay too.
With acceptance of any disease you find peace. You find a way to still live an amazing life. That is where my focus is now... finding peace, acceptance and still having a high quality life.
And you know what? Life is good. I have a great family, I have great friends and they are now my focus. I've let some relationships slide over the last couple of years due to lack of energy and increase in pain. And it is the relationships that keep us strong, keep our hearts full, give us a reason to carry on.
So I made the biggest decision of my life... and that was to leave my job. After 17 years with Keystone I decided to leave. Though all my best friends are there, there was also a lot of stress. It isn't easy trying to help a floundering company when you are ill. I just couldn't do it anymore. And it was the best decision of my life. It is early days (only been gone for 4 days so far) but I already feel a lightness in my being. I don't feel the begrudging... gotta get to work feeling I was having for a long time.
So now I can spend my days visiting with friends, seeing my kids. Refilling my heart, rebuilding relationships and making the quality of my life better, stronger, more fulfilling.
It wasn't an easy decision to leave my job. Not only were there the financial worries of leaving but there is that sense that you're doing something "wrong" by not working. There is always that little sense that the disease is getting the best of you. But I'm choosing to focus on the positives. I'm not going to be as stressed, I can get rest if and when my body needs it, not when the clock allows it. I can fill my heart and soul with volunteering, visits with friends and helping people. And that is good.
So with all of that, we move forward. We live to fight another day. I'm now living with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue not against it and I truly believe that life is good.
